Thursday, December 31, 2009

01/01/2010 @ 12.01am. tomorrow is THE DAY. private and confidential

at this moment, i was looking outside from my window, i couldn't see the fireworks however i do heard them sounds like we are in the war.
tomorrow is going to a big day for me,
tomorrow me and some of friends will go for leadership camp organized by ukm.
it actually for all the future leaders, for YDP JAKSA- to-be, PMUKM-to-be, etc.etc.etc.
so, im not very well prepared actually.
i really wish i could tell everything in here, this whole week was really a hard week for me, i really wish i could write it all over here, but it is too many of them to tell, so i guess until tomorrow i wont stop writing.
i have to wake up eary for tomorrow new day, a new year 2010.

ya Allah,
if this is what is the better for me, than I will do it for the best I could be.
forgive me, before this I just think about myself, and never think about others.
Pn Teoh quote still bear in my mind and i couldn't stop thinking about what she had said during PPD class..
she told us, sounds like, 'never think about yourself, think about the others. if u just think about yourself, just like almost all the leaders on the top now, you wont ever go out".
yeah, she is soo right. before this i was thought if i become one of the top, and some people (or many of them) actually just doesnt like me at all, to become that one, and if i involved myself with this politic thing, what will happen to my exam result? my pointer already falls compared with pointer of last semester, so, i really dissapointed about it. i dont want to get dissapoint again.
before this, i keep telling myself that im doing a lot things to people, so was wishing of for my final year, i just can relaxs. all this make me fell awful about myself since what pn teoh had been said.
yeah, i am truly selfish and just think about me,me, myself and I.

just at the moment, i try my best to think about others. now, my self esteem getting a bit high, but still anxiety disorder controling over me everytime i think about it.
i keep thinking, this is the only chance for me to stand for nursing.
1st batch shows kak syikin and some of her peers also tand up for nursing.
then the 2nd batch, they already proved that they also did something to stand for nursing.
and now my batch, i really hopes i can contributes something for the nursing. my batch is good too. i want to prove that what dr hamidah or other lecturer said about our batch are truly wrong.

i dont know what i afraid of, i dont know what thing that i should bring about when i get there, and i still afraid of speaking out infront of people that i dont really know. i even still got nervous when i talk to my juniors year 1! ya Allah, i just need that confident to talk out loud infront of people, give me strengh for that.

wanie, you can do it. just remember the song by venessa carlton 'Watch Me Shine', you can do it.
be yourself. and have faith in yourself. trust yourself. you can do it.

I'm not your average type of girl
I'm gonna show the world
The strength in me
that sometimes they can't see

I'm about to switch my style
And soon things may get wild
But I will prove that
I can conquer anything

So from my head to toe
I'm taking full control
I'll make it on my own..this time
(Better watch me shine)

Better watch out going for the knockout
And I won't stop till I'm on top now
Not gonna give up until I get what's mine
Better check that I'm about to upset
And I'm hot now so you better step back
I'm taking over so watch me shine

Get ready here I come
Until the job is done
No time to waste
There's nothing stopping me
But you don't hear me though
So now it's time to show and prove I'm gonna be The best I can be
So from my head to toe
My mind body and soul
I'm taking full control This time

Bet you don't think I can take it
But my mind and body are strong
Bet you don't think I can make it It won't take long

(Vanessa Carlton, Watch Me Shine, Legally Blonde Movie)

Monday, December 28, 2009

undefined title.

dah lame sangat tak tulis blog.
sejak dapat result exam.
sejak dapat result darah,
sejak aku tolak jadi calon,
aku pon dah tak igt sejak bila,
tapi aku tak tertulis segalanya didalam blog ni,
aku tak termampu nak luahkan ape yg aku lalui sepanjang bulan ini,
aku terlalu lemah, hampir tiap-tiap hari kot aku menangis.
dah tak sanggup untuk aku tempuh hari esok,
dah tak sanggup aku nak lalui 'cabaran' hidup ini,
ada masa aku terpikir aku lebih rela dipendekkan umur,
tapi aku taknak, aku sayang mama, aku sayang family aku lagi.
aku nak tengok mereka semua gembira, bahagia dan berjaya dalam hidup,
baru aku sanggup untuk pergi dari dunia ni.
ya Allah, sesungguhnya ini lah cabaran yang harus aku tempuhi,
aku mohon padaMu, aku sudah tak sanggup lalui semua ini,
kurangkanlah derita ini,
kurangkan tangisan ini, aku cuba mencari sedikit kebahagiaan dalam hidup aku saat-saat ini,
tapi aku tak jumpa. adakah ini suatu balasan? adakah ini suatu cabaran? seharusnya aku puas dan lega melaluinya, tapi aku bertambah derita lagi. mata ini sudah letih untuk menangis lagi.
aku sudah penat berpura-pura seperti gembira. aku sudah tak mampu nak kuatkan semangat diri mengatakan semua ini hanyalah cabaran, aku dah tak lalu lagi nak monyokong diri sendiri, sedangkan aku tahu, aku tiada siapa lagi, aku tiada orang untuk sokong, aku seorang, aku yang rasa diriku independent, tapi hakikatnya aku seorang diri.

wani dah tidak ada semangat lagi.
wani rasa mahu lari sejauh mungkin tanpa toleh kebelakang lagi,
wani rasa mahu terbang tinggi sehingga tidak nampak bumi,
wani rasa mahu hempaskan kepala ini supaya hilang segala ingatan,
wani rasa mahu pergi tinggalkan dunia ini.

Monday, December 21, 2009

i wish i would never undergone medical check up at first

horrible day today for me..
letter that needs to be faxs to bangi was missing,
print out another letter for prof to sign again.
kem kompetensi generik this whole week, and they took marks for that!!
i took time leave for that program for me to go to my hemato appoinment today, so i guess they would probably deducted my marks already..
at first, i already bear in mind everything will be normal, i was assumed my 2nd blood result will be normal, but then when i arrived there, dr review my blood result and it was abnormal again. my PT still shows abnormal. still prolonged. then dr asked me so many damn questions, about my family history, symptoms, and many kind of things, then she performed physical examination.
everything was just perfectly normal, the physical examination was normal, but then that stupid blood result made her to make up an appointment for me with hemato lab, to investigate platelet function test.
my current diagnosis now: TRO Von Willibrand Disease.
so, next bloody hell blood appointment will be on 12/january/2010 9am tuesday at Daycare Hemato. but this time will be a bit different from previous blood taking, because i have to brings one healthy friend to draw out her blood to be the 'control' result, while me the 'patient' one of course.
and both of us need to fast at 12midnight before the appointment at the morning.
so i asked wan nadhirah, thanks a lot she agreed to be the control one. thanks a lot wan. I really apreciate it. and i do feels sorry for her..
then, next month 18/february/2010 another appoinment with hemato.

seriously, i dont have any interesting in doing anything right now, i dont have good moods, appetite slow down, i dont take my lunch and didnt buy anything for my dinner yet.
it was such a frustrating, i am in a denial stage right now, i still believe i am normal.
dont worry wanie, it just TRO. so i guess it still pending.
still KIV, so nothing will happen okey. evertything will be okey..
since i met dr today until right now at the moment, i keep telling myself DONT WORRY but i am worry!!! stop!stop!stop! stop thingking about it! i want to live like a normal like others!

i wish i would never undergone for medical check up at first..


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

LOves Hang Out - Cousins Day Out

i just came back from hemato clinic, AGAIN for blood investigation.
i dont know until when they will poke my arm to get my blooody blood.
next appointment will be next year. on monday 21/jan/2010.
whatever it is, i still bear in mind that's nothing is wrong with me.
i am totally absolutely NORMAL. and im not ill, im not sick.

tonight me and omet are going to stadium near to my college
to watch band comp. its not band groups like bunkface or babyface (haha~)
its pasukan pancaragam from many high schools.
i walked over the padang during went to clinic this morning, i saw one of the band practised over there, sudden goosebump and instantly getting excited for toninght!!!
well, watching band comp will reminds me a lot back-to-school-memories.
besides, i dont have anything to do tonight, and yet i should celebrates my semester break holiday before antoher new upcoming semester 5th next week, so i guess no excuses to me to not to go.

yesterday me and omet also went to mid velly,
we went back home around 11.0pm like that, my dad, picked me at lrt, and he said nothing, and he didnt get mad since i went back home at late. plus, because of him (we stucked over traffic jam at bangsar area), so he supposed to not to get angry.
yesterday, i bought new dress from mango, AGAIN.
and THANK YOU to Lovely Lace Room Fragrance, your smells really made my day (everyday).
besides spent a long time at Lovey Lace, we also did spent a LONG time at Watson, i bought loreal facial foam, safi eye contour cream, safi elovera cream, tooth paste and dental floss.
i dont remember what omet bought, but the thing is, we LOVE shopping.
i guess, we are genetically inherited for being shopaholic.
so please dont blame me if im a shopaholics. blame our great grand parents!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

"Wanie Heartless"

today somebody broke my heart. seriously i dont even know why i'm writting this over here, but this guy that i dont even care, he's totally not important to me, i'll prefer to call him as a friend. or a good friend. but i dont know why today, he made me cry.
i know im a 'bitch' to him eventhough i do try my best to not to be called like that. i am not.

i almost lost my respect towards you. but then i realised that im not supposed to. maybe you were right. maybe im too sensitive.or maybe because i am the kind of person whose doesn't take things seriously. or maybe you can label me as a 'wanie heartless'.

eventhough sometimes i'm quite harsh to people, but inside me, only God knows how my feeling is. I am fragile. eventhough they unpurposedly many times insulted over me, and they think that it doesnt look like that i care so much, so they keep insulting, and yet im still looking dull, but deep inside me, my heart crashed. God, i really really need strength. I ADMIT, I AM NOT STRONG. I am not strong enough for this.
why do they always insulting over me, or is it because of im too over-sensitive?

i am not perfoct. but i do try to change to be better. and PLEASE i need support. not judging.
People keep judging over the other poeple, i guess, thats why people doesnt want to change, because they are afraid to be called as a hypocrits..

i just need a chance. times. and space to fulfill myself. i need friends. good friends that understand me and support me. not judging over me.

otherwise, i AM happy with myself.
i am so tired, pretending that I looks okey.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Bloody Blood Result

yesterday I went to my medical appointment regarding of my blood result.
i went there at 11am, waited ther for so long for my turn to meet doctor, waited for about one and half hour but then, when i got there in doctor's room, he just reviewed my blood result and said that the result is abnormal. he refer me to hemato.
what a Hell! i mean, i'd waited for so long, and he just doing nothing (like checking me or something), not more than 5 minutes then, we're done!

after that, i went to medical clinic to get the new appoinment with hematologist. so, my next appoinment will be on 21th january, but before that i have to go to the clinic earlier for another blood taking. shut up. how many my bloody blood do they need?

i am normal. i dont feels sick. i dont feels any pain at anywhere. it just that my prothrombin time is prolonged about 0.2 sec than normal range, so what? isn't that normal? nothing''s wrong with that. i still able to live right now. stupid blood result. stupid hemato. stupid everything that push me into this kind of situation.

i dont care so much if my blood is abnormal. i dont care so much if i get injured or prolonged bleeding or poor healing whatsoever! but what i most care so much about is when i have to wasted my precious time to that bloody hell appoinment and bloody hell blood taking!

yesterday, i settled all the proposal thing, i met En. jamal regarding of kembara siswi, then last night i slept at 3 am just to finished the bloody hell proposal thing. seriously, i am so tired and upset. i got headache when i woke up this morning.

this is an awfulness-semester break, instead of this abnormal blood appoinment thing, i have to settle kembara siswi program because all the committee members are having a great-wonderfulness-semester break.


Saturday, December 5, 2009

Langkawi and Family

i just came back from Family-Vacation-at-Langkawi. eventhough LIMA this year was not very happening like previous, but we do really had a good time together as a family. but Azmi my brother wasn't with us, he had been busy with his Palapes-So-Called-Thing so, we are a bit boring without him especially my little (not to litte) brother Azam.

after all LIMA was sooooo boring this year! actually, maybe because we already went for LIMA event at previous years, and plus, my dad is an army, my brother Azmi joined Palapes UITM, my little brother wants to be a pilot, my Atok was a Askar Melayu, My Moyang is "Dato' Bahaman" so all my entire family IS AN ARMY while I AM A NURSE???!! HAhaha. weird isn't. I dont even had any experienced in kawad, i never went to PLKN, and im doing nursing. NEVER EVER in my 'head-brain' thinking of joining any-related-to-army-thing.

but one thing that i think it would probably related me to an army is that once in a while (actually many times i guess), i had day dreams of marrying a pilot. (huaargh! this is supposed to be a BIG SECRET!) pilot is HOT. i've seen them came out from that roket (jet? flight? whatever it is), they are totally-awesomeness-hottest type of guy i ever seen in ther fittest hottest outfit ever! HAHAha! xD

actually, i want to talk about LAngkawi. Langkawi is always beautiful as usual. when i was in the plane, when i was up there what can i say is that i am really much so thankful to Him as He give me an eyes to see that such a beautiful clouds, and sea, i am so much glad He give me a heart for me to feels for that feelings of comfort, and calmness, and give me the brain for me to memorized what i'd seen and what i'd felt.

when i was up there, i was thinking, down there, with a lots of people, politics, race and religious, problems, doing their usual things, their jobs, thier role and their part in their life and i am so thankful to God because i am still here, alive, able to breath, able to write this notes, and even i have problems, i always used to think that out there people face thier problems too, why cant i faces them too? why cant i just go through over it.

when i looked into the blue sky, then i closed my eyes, and i opened my eyes again and i saw the sky still beautifuly blue. no matter how much we try to avoid or close our eyes many times to any kind of situations, it wont change anything.

we usually hope that people around us will change for us. we always hope that people around us will understand our situation. if this keeps going on, then it wont change anything much unless we change ourself for people around us, and try to understand them, i guess thats the only way to solve everything.

just arrived at Langkawi Airport.

bought loads of chocolates for my friends and cousin!!

beautiful blue sky.. i love it!

me and my brother Azam

samseng siblings! hahaha

the very unfriendly steward