Friday, January 29, 2010

Unlove Beloved He and She

sometimes i think i can speaks out without worrying of anything.
sometimes i think i am brave enough
but most of the time,
i know who am i.
a person that will never give up upon something,
and able to speak out to asking of anything,

but somehow i realize,
i have to admit,
there are people out there are more stronger and power than me.
so i can do nothing.
even i have the rights,
but still i dont have the power.

this persons,
the persons that i think i might know him and her well,
eventhough we only able get to know each other for about a year,
i respect him and her.
he and she had done so much things for a things that i stand for,
he and she stands besides me no matter what happen,
and he and she made me not to give up.
he and she made me to be strong.

but recently,
things aren't well between us.
i met her today, we pop each other at cafe a&e, she doesnt smile at me anymore.
she did smile, but i can see there is no sincere anymore.....
just a bit smile, and then she's gone. or runaway. then i run away too.

today, i met him too,
he no longer adressed me,
or maybe he purposely not to address me,
we didnt greet each other like we're supposed to.
i didnt looks at his face, because i know he will make an angry face, or menyampah-kat-aku face.

seems like my heart no longer love them.
i think i have to break the bonds here,

i know this will be my big mistakes to unlove them,
but i cant do it anymore.
i feels betrayed.
they are against me.
they are hate me.
they are trying to prove that i am wrong,

i hate them too.
i hate myself for letting myself to love them,
i dont want to see their faces.
i want to run away from them,
i dont want to looks at their dissappointed faces on me,
i dont want to talk to them anymore.
i dont want to hear anything from them anymore,
i am so upset with myself.

i thought they will still besides me,
i dont asked them to be at which side, or be by my side,
i just want them to be fair enough.
i didnt asked them to get involved in my life things,
but they offered themselves.,
and now they are agaisnt me.

i confused.
i dissappointed.
i feels helpless.
the persons that i loved,
the persons that i thought will ever support me,
now are going to prove to me that i am a bad person.
that i am wrong.

i hate myself for hated and loved them,
sorry for going to unlove them.
sorry that im going to breaks the bond.
sorry for everything.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Platelet Function Test

i just got back form daycare hemato.
seriously, im in starvation right now.
me and wan had been fasted since 12am last night.

today we had a class with Dr. Johar at ER this morning.
i though the class will dismiss around 10am but then it was dismissed at 11am
me and wan rushed to daycare hemato, then the staff nurse over there got mad because we were late for the appointment. it supposed to be 9am but we were late for 2 hours already.
staff nurse asked us to wait while he called the lab people and doctor.
i thought i was just blood taking, but it wasn't just that.
3 hematologist came with one lab person.
they got angry too. seriously nobody tell me that the doctors will come to review and do the procedure, i thought the staff nurses wil do it just as usual.. so it wasnt exactly my fault too. huhu. =(

i was being poked for 3 times today. my right arm. my left arm and my left earlobe. =(

however, the platelet function test was done to me.
i really thought (again) that they will just take my blood. and then i can go.
but then it was not only that, they do this kind of procedure (i dont know what it was because they didn't tell),
they poke my left earlobe, then the blood just oozed came out, they let the blood drops onto filter paper and count the times using stopwatch.

i dont know what the hell are they doing to me, but they are talking to themselve like,
"banyak darah dia keluar", "habis baju, nasib baik pakai baju kaler merah", " its more that 6 minutes, so stop the test, its already abnormal". =(

the filter paper that they are using really makes me wanted to run and stop the test!!! back to the lecture and never went to the hemato again!
menakutkan!! fresh red blood smears came out onto the paper they even drop at my lengan baju kurung. and i even still can feels the pulse sensation over my earlobe right now. they even said " amik lagi kertas turas tu, tak cukup tu, double kan kasi tebal sikit". "amik gauze". the equipment that they had prepared was even not enough. =(

really feels terrible right now.
so I decided not to take my lunch.
so i just ate sandwich.

doctors said, i have to come for the next appointment to know the result.

i dont know if i can continue this anymore..
looks like everything turns abnormal to me. everything. even lately i feels something is not right with me, my emotion easily breaks down, i easily gets upset. and all the tests that i had done, none of it show any normal results (exept hemoglobin count, leukocyte count they are normal)

i feels like im going to die anytime.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

have a Faith in Me.

thank God
for listening to my heart.
i've been thinking about what I have been through and what have I learnt for the past years especially the 2009 that just left few days ago.
if I compared myself wanie of 2008 and wanie of 2009, i am much more better than at 2009.
and God really listen to my heart.
i guess i'va change a ot.
i guess i had learn a lot.
i learn meaning of friendship.
i learn how to appreciate things
i learn to love my family more.
i learn to built my self-confidence.

now im in year 2010.
im going to left permanis and jaksa 2009/2010.
and i am truly going to miss all of them.
thanks God, i was wished for the campus life,
and here i am, staying in Kolej, involving in permanis, jaksa and now, thinking of joining mpp.
eventhough i've been through quite a lot of hard experiences.
but idid learnt a lot. the important thing is not the success or the failure,
but the important thing is i did get involved and did gone for the process.
the process of building myself.
the process of preparing myself for the next steps.
i have to have faith in myself.
i have to trust myself before im asking people to trust me.
i need to built self confidence and avoid low self esteem.
but, it just me the person of always thingking of negetive things.
thinking of people dont like me.
thinking of people will talk bad things about me.
thingking of poeple hate me.
i just think of what people think about me.
i didnt think about what should i think about the people surround me.
i shoud think about the people instead of me.
thats it.
let them keep judging badly about me.
as long as, i know i do the right thing, and there still people out there who support me,
then i shouldnt be afraid.