Saturday, February 27, 2010

Permanis in Memory...

i have a family..
they are known as Permanis.
Persatuan Mahasiswa Anak Negeri Sembilan. UKM.
i know them since i was in year 1.
i learned a lot from them.
they are my first family after PPK and JAKSA.

i was officially as Permanis committee during at my 2nd year,
after i was actively joined many programs that Permanis had organised,
they give me this an honored to be one of the committee member,
it was a blast when i was the first committee who is from Kampus Luar:KTDI.
i was a great feeling when i got the 'exco' title.
'Exco Kampus Luar Permanis UKM'.
I myself never expected for it.

but until i went into year 3,
i started to get busy,
and i realise i started to ignoring my responsibility of being Permanis,

i didnt get involve in few programs,
i even tarik diri last minute for INTIM program..
sedih sangat..

why cant i manage my time properly?
why cant i give my full comitment to Permanis like other committees?
see what happen now...
they probably dont remember me anymore...
they probably already forget that the 'exco kampus Luar' is exist..

i feel totally dissapointed to myself.
i am frustrated to myself because i dont give my comitment.

whatever it is, everythings have to go on.
i have to move on.
thank you Permanis.
thanks for being part of my life,
thanks for giving me an opportunity to get to know all of you.
thanks for the experiences and the memories of being UKM student,
and i will never forget all the things that we had been through,
and the bond of our friendship,

all the best for the next Permanis committee.

Jaksa in Memory...

no matter how hard the time was and how difficult it has been,
they are already being the part of my life,

before this, i had two options to choose,
the first one was, i hurting myself,
or the second one, to thankful because of it.

so i was did choose to hurting myself.
and now i found out it was truly hurt and it was beyond more than hurt.
if there is words that can describe how hurt it was, i rather not to know it.

because i made mistake.
i choose the wrong one.
and i really dont know if i can forgive myself or not.
because im not only hurting myself,
but i did hurt someone else.
i did hurt people those who love me.
i did hurting them so much and i dont know if they still love me or not.
if they still can forgive me or not,
and if they still can, it wont be like before, anymore.

ya Allah, can you give me another chance to choose another option?
can You give me those previous time so i can fixing everytings back to normal again?
can I have them back?
can You forgive me?

can i have another option?
the one that i ignored it before?
the one that i dumped?
i would like to thankful to them,
i would like to thank to You,
because they made me who i am now.
because without them,
i wont be this much strong enough,
i wont be strong enough to go through this life anymore,

i know,
i should not blame them or the job that i do,
i was me the one who should be blamed.
it was me the person who dont appreciate things,
it was me the person that likes to hurting people,
can i be forgiven?

even if they can forgive me,
even if You can forgive me,
even if i have them back,
even if i can fix everthings back to normal,
i am not sure if i able to forgive myself, again...

Friday, February 26, 2010

my dear azmi...

huwaaa. aku rase nak muntah!!!!!
hai adik aku sorang nie...
muke je hensem, macho, nak jadi tentera, join palapes, hari-hari masuk hutan tembak orang,
tapi sinpan teddy bear kat bilik.... xD

kau la adik kesayangan aku..
nape la kau jadi angau macam tu skali...

today i saw your status on your facebook
about you being 'in relationship' into 'single'.

welcome to the club..

during sem break last time, i went to your room looking for your broadband,
then i saw your teddy bears...
kalah aku. teddy bear aku pon tak banyak macam tu.
well, ko punya teddy bear ade 3 kot. aku ada 7.
tapi teddy bear aku kecik je. ko punya tedy bear nampak besar sedap dipeluk.
so kira tedy bear kau lagi hebat.
yang memang tak bole bla siap ade name lagi tedy bear dia tu..
hihihi. xD

sorry la mie, bukan aku nak gelak,
tapi klaka la adik aku sorang ni. cute sangat. XD
ntah lelaki jenis ape la ko ni. siap suka cita korea.. XD
mungkin ko ni jenis lelaki berjiwa jiwang, hati lembut, alahai.. xD

well i really aware of that your girlfriend things and those teddy bear must came from her.
means that, you are a person that very appreciate things,
you are not like other guys like being hypocrits and egoist,
and you are not like others whose pretend like to care so much,
you are a caring person,
and you deserve better.

mama dengan aku takda la berkenan sangat kat dia.
mama penah cakap dengan aku mama tak suka,
sebab kau mungkin lebih-lebih sangat kot.
time cuti raya cina baru-baru ni, ko asik keluar, tiap-tiap hari kot,
kuar pagi balik lewat petang. sms 24 jam.
taw la ko dah couple dengan dia since tingkatan 4.

aku tanya mama, "azmi gi mane"
ma cakap ko kuar dengan kawan-kawan ko, kawan-kawan sekola.
eleh.. aku tahu, ko kuar dengan dia..
aku taknak bagitahu mama,
sebab aku tahu mama pun tahu jugak dalam hati mama tu..

mama sayang kita.
tapi aku rasa mama lebih sayang ko.
tapi sayang, kau dah sayang orang lain lebih dari kau sayang mama..
atau mungkin aku silap sebab judge macam ni.

sekarang ni kau dah being single balik..
kesian kat ko.. tapi nak cakap padan muka jugak..
pape pon, ko tetap adik aku sampai mati.
aku dah taw benda macam ni akan jadi.. bercinta lama tak semestinya itu jodoh kau.
cuma aku taknak cakap kat ko je. tak pernah pun nak nasihatkan ko pape.
u may see me that i dont care so much about you, or mama,
but deep inside, aku sayang mama lebih dari aku sayang nyawa sendiri.
aku sayang kau azam dan ayah jugak. kadang-kadang ada la rindu kat korang sampai mengalir air mata ni. T.T

dari kau membazir masa, duit, apa-apa je la,
untuk perempuan yang belum tentu jadi milik kau,
aku dengan mama lagi suka kalau ko simpan duit tu untuk diri sendiri,
gunakan masa tu dengan keluarga ke.
kau pun jarang je balik kl sebab dah ko pon blaja kat terengganu.

life is short. but you have long way to go. so, make it worth..
study hard. makes ayah and mama proud of you.
get your degree. get the best job for you.
spend your 1st salary to mama and ayah.
makes them happy.
then i'll be happy too.

dear azmi,
dear azam,
i may not good enough for being your elder sister,
i may not good enough to give advice to you,
but i will always love both you.

Monday, February 22, 2010


i went to CCU for my posting today,
Prof. Hamidah called me this morning,
asked me and Tay to come to see her at the department,
at first i was thought that am i busted of something?
am i doing anything illegally?
is there any problems that i had made recently?
but then she told me nothing but just asked me and Tay to meet her at 10am...

so at 10am, i met Tay at ER (because she was posting over there),
but she seemed that she had no idea whats going on,

then we came to the department,
Prof said to us "congratulation" - the first word that came out from her mouth.
then i said "congratulation" to her too for the title of 'Prof.' that she just received.

she said again, "congratulation, you both are selected for students mobility.
You both are going to London, United Kingdom, for 8 weeks for Mental Health Elective Module.
and will get the sponsor by UKM which is RM10,000.00 for each of us, which that including the flight, accomodation and etc.etc.

Tay looks suprised. she even lompat-lompat dalam lift after that meeting.
we hold hands like sisters and her hand was shaky and cold. haha.
but me, i was looked cool as usual... like i know everything already..
but inside, my heart pumping and exciting! haha!

im going to UK this upcoming October.

i dont know what actually i feel at the moment,
exciting, but worrying.
i'm lucky, but im not deserve.
acceptable, but not hoping of anything.

so wanie, lets prepare.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

my lucky nose

ya Allah panasnya skarng ni.. even it is rainy now, but it is HOT SUNNY DAY!
its been weeks that this weather keeps changing, sekejap hujan sekejap panas.
bila panas, aku sidai kain, then tiba-tiba hujan pulak, kelam kabut aku angkat kain.
geram betul..

and what is the most i hate most during this hot sunny day weather is my nose starts to bleeding. just now i woke up from my tidur petang, my nose was full with blood clot.
i thought it was that tahi hidung then i pick la.
ahahaha.. bangun tidur je terus korek hidung. tak senonoh betul..
but then it doenst looks like tahi idong, it is blood clot..
i have this runny nose since a week.. this nose it too alergic with dust, smoke, mist, perfumes, etc.etc..
anywhere i go sometimes i just like to cover my nose and mouth with tudung ke, sapu tangan ke, tissue ke, and this lucky nose can smells many things and smells fastest than other nose could, i can tell!
i even can smells like ants, woods, fart (hahahaha), or somebody's clothes like the smells of sabun basuh for that cothes or if that cloth bau kedai pun i can smell. haha..

ok.the thing is, my nose keeps bleeding since yesterday.
i cant stay with it anymore. i did put the ice la but it doest work., i blow my nose and the fresh blood came out! tapi tak la banyak sangat.. just a bit tiny blood, but still it is BLOOD! huhu..geram..

my gum also starts to bleed yesterday when i flossed my teeth, huhu..geram..
oh weather... please dont get too sunny... but i dont want it get to rainy too..

and my dearest lucky nose and gum.. please dont bleed anymore..
i am scared...
i have my next apointment this wednesday..
i would like to tell the doctor that i dont have any symptoms anymore..
i would like to tell the doctor that i am okey..
so that we can dismiss this appointment as early as possible..
so i dont have to see hemato anymore.
and i dont have any appointment anymore.
and i dont have to do any tests anymore.
its hurting me inside.
physically and psychologically... huhu.. :(

Friday, February 19, 2010

the satisfaction of getting U41 nurses..

last night me and my family went out for dinner at somewhere (lebuhraya somewhere i dont know what the name was), in the car, during on our way,
my dad asked my brother Azmi, what he's going to do after grad.
Azmi is going to graduate this June, he decide to continue degree at UITM Shah Alam.

I AM SO JEALOUS WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BE THE FIRST CHILD WHO GRADUATE FIRST! not fair! im the eldest! should be me the one who graduate first!
wuhuhu. (T.T). never mind.. i will graduate by this 2011 by the way, i will!

well, its good if Azmi wants to continue degree, perhaps he dont have any attachment with any scolarship like me, i have to works with government because i have this JPA scolarship. but he had mentioned that he wants to find for scolarship if he continue his degree.. well, good luck bro..

then my dad suddenly shocked me by telling me (or asking),
"wani, kau nanti lepas habis blaja kau kerja kau kira pegawai kelas A la kan?!"


ntah la. ye lah kot. ahahaha...

finally... dapat jugak u41..

Finally, after they we all fight for that, we are going to deserve it. Sometimes I wonder why. Wny is that difficult to do nursing course? I wonder what other courses are doing, are they also do the same thing like we did? Do they have to fight for their salary and position too while still even during student time like we did? Do they have to struggle to show off for a good performance too so that people will acknowledge them too like we did? Why do we have to fight for so much things? Fight for nursing students placement, fight for money provision in programs, I wonder until when we have to keep fighting for our right? Is it because of our right had been taken away from something? Or is it because nursing profession is a absolute weak or left or anything that describe negatively?
I think, not anymore.
Not anymore until the existence of fresh degree of nursing, the fresh degrees nursing from entire universities like UKM, USM and UITM. I know we all the strongest group even though that maybe we don’t have enough experience yet, but what we have been through is going to be the experiences for us to stand in the future.

I am sure they all are feeling satisfied. I feel satisfied too. i don’t have to worry and get upset when I’m thinking about what my future will be anymore. We are finally going to get our u41. It’s not about the money, it’s about the position, the level, being recognize, being labeled, standard of our profession.
Like what Prof. Hamidah said, "We are not workers; we are the professional group, just like other profession too. We have standard and level".
Thank you Prof. Hamidah. To me, it’s not just a word. What she meant was, do not workings as follow orders or doing things without knowing it purpose. Like what happened to nurses nowadays, they might good in their skills, but ask them, why, what its purpose, and many more questions, some of them will answer "tanya la doktor"
To me, professional means - decision making, leadership, authority, critical thinking, empowerment, and many more. We are in the standard of profession, therefore we should able to make decisions, have the leadership experience and involve in leadership, critical thinking, and to me the most important thing is authority.

I hope our groups of degree in nursing are going to prove that. I will prove that. We are already being exposed to those things what called as leadership, decision making, critical thinking, and authority, and we are going to apply it in the future. We are going to prove what those nursing profession means are.
We are going to make differences between diploma and degree nurses. If people asking what's the different between those sijil, diploma, degree, master or even PhD of nursing, those up there are the answers.

and we deserve to get better.
we deserve u41.
TQ SPA (Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam) for the grade u41.


a. Jawatan Jururawat
Gred: U41
Kod Skim: 4309
Kumpulan: Pengurusan dan Profesional (Skim Perkhidmatan Bersepadu)
Kem/Jab: Kementerian Kesihatan
Jadual Gaji :

P1T1 RM1999.19 - P1T24 RM4723.81
P2T1 RM2095.20 - P2T24 RM5022.83
P3T1 RM2195.39 - P3T24 RM5317.92

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

unwell semester break

its been 2 days already since i got sick.
a friend of mine asking me 'sihat tak?' few days back,
and of course i will be better since i've been going home for this a week semester break.
but curse me.
i am sick now. its been 2 days and half already..
i didnt took my lunch and dinner for 2 days.
i just drinks milo and chocolate, nescafe.
i ate what breakfast leftovers during my lunch time.
and yesterday mom bought home some KFC so I did ate fews but yet not able to finished them because my stomachache.

its been 2 days already i got this stomachache, dizziness, low grade fever, tiredness, shakyness, sweatiness, and diarheaaness and nauseaness. and i even sometimes try to purge myself to throw out but it came out nothing. just watery vomit.

ya Allah... sembuhkan aku cepat... letih la macamni... i thought that this sickness wont last longer, but its 2 days and half already, and im so tired and suffer. x(
i want to get well, and i want to go out with my siblings and cousin and my mom to go shopping or whatsoever.. x(

kesian mama.. she cooked me rendang ayam yesterday, tom yam lastnight, but i didnt ate anything at all. she bought KFC but i did ate them pulak..
its really impossible to eat anything if your stomach ache. i do feel hungry, and i even opened the fridge many times, but i didnt took anything for me to eat. i just looks around in the frigde then i closed it back, its very frustrated. x(

uwan (my grandma) came to my house today. she usually came to my house at weekends. she knew that i got stomachache, she even urut my stomach with minyak angin balm. mama also did urut my stomach this morning, but its still didnt get better..

uwan gave me pills check it teck oun, but still it did not resolve..
mom wanted to bring me to the clinic, but i refused..
it wasnt so bad, so i dont need to see the doctor. if i go to the clinic, they just prescribe me with anti-signs and symtoms je la. i dont need them. perhaps, i got my own medicine already. i just need to be comfort and rest.

mom and uwan really give me the comfort that i wanted so much. eventhough im not fully recover yet, i still feels glad and thankful i have my mom and uwan here beside me.

whats healing me most at the moment right now is just my mom and my uwan. not medicine. not clinic. mom and uwan or even my family are the best treatment for me.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Burn Unit

first day at burn unit...
performed suctioning the tracheostomy together with phyisiotherapist,
dressing patient with burned skin with sterile water and packed with soaked gauze with flavine, then put along with bactigras.
then, dressing the tracheostomy site, put keyhole soaked with flavine,
sponging, preparing feeding infusion,

woow it was just so many things to do at first day.
and the staff nurses just let us done it by ourselves.
never got intended to supervise us.

and they all are goyang kaki while me,
i got this tight strained and hypoglycemic while doing those dressing.

well, it was a great day that we are able to do many things for at first day..
means that we dont need to be supervised anymore!
we are ready to be the real nurses!


noraina harun. my partner in crime. xD

well.. seriously nobody will understand how tired i was..

i even didnt take my breakfast. and took my lunch at 2pm. man, i was so into starvation!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

last day working at icu

today was my last posting at icu. wasn't bad enough because i know what things to do. my lecturer puan waheeda came and said to me, staff nurses said that we're good. 'bagus la student nurse group ni. boleh buat kerja dengan baik'. =)
sukanya saya!
group kami memang hebat! hahaha~

1st day was the terrible day of me. clumsiness and mistakesness that keeps happened on that day sometime makes me wonder what a hell am i dong here? but then few days posted there everything starts to works better.
i've done the ETT suctioning, taking ABG and trace result, handling hemodialysis machine, change dialysate, change tubing, preparing IV infusion medication, handling ventiator machine, charting and monitoring, learning ICP monitoring, and many many more, I AM SO READY TO BE THE ICU NURSE! ;D

only 6 days at ICU.
i able to do may things like staff nurses did.
i thought it may be difficult to us to colaborate with ICU staff nurses but they are totally wrong. those who said that ICU nurses garang and taknak ajar student.
well, they are so wrong! actually, only a few of them je yang taknak ajar.
most of them, they were good and willingly to teach the students.
seronok kerja dengan icu nurses.
they all good in doing their job. i think la. maybe some of them are lousy. but never mind. as far as i know im doing the right thing and not just truly follow the way their attitude, then its ok with me. kadang-kadang ada je staff nurses ni nak cepat, tak ikut sterility, buat sekadar ala-kadar je. then jangan la ikut kan..

whatever it is, i am glad i've done my posting at icu. tomorrow and the next day i'll be posting at burn unit. then holiday starts!!!!

saya suka modul critical care!!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

start to likes working at ICU.

today is the 2nd day of my posting at icu.
thought that i'm going to hate so much working here, but i was totally wrong.
mabye because of the past incident that happened in nicu, i thought i got traumatized working at intensive care unit.
or maybe because of the past experienced in nicu, i got well prepared myself before starts posting and alert myself during my shift.
i dont know why, but before this, i dont really well prepared before starts posting. but this one, i actually study hard before entering icu!! haha. now i know what is the study means. ;D
study means, u dont have to go hafal all the lecture notes and then go to the ward/posting and u became pandai already. i dont really hafal all those notes by the way, i even dont remember what i've been studied yesterday, and when im study, i listen to music, then i start to listen myself singing and then i forgot about which part that i had already studied. haha. silly..
but when my tutor asking me questions yesterday and today, i still able to answers. weird. i dont really study that hard like my other friends did..

i likes working at icu.. yesterday, my first day in icu, i was so afraid and try so hard to be alert. my tutor said to us, working at icu, you are not just taking care of the patient. but you have to take care the patient and the machine too. machine like ventiator, icp monitoring (lucky me my patient is not on icp monitoring), 24 hours urine- hourly monitoring, feeding infusion, iv lives everywhere, arterial line, all those tubing, and many more!
i was soo lucky yesterday because i was tagged with a nice and lovely staff nurse, she was willingly to teach me. she tought me so many things, eventhough she gave me too much information and i cant remember all of it, but i am so lucky and thankful because there still a great nurses who willingly to teach us the student nurses..
hope that one day when i become a staff nurse, i will teach the students very well, and not bullying them. ;p

today, i feels so glad with myself, eventhough today is my 2nd day at here, but most of the charting and monitoring was done by me. today i didnt got that yesterday's staff nurse (sn fara), but this one staff nurse, yeas, she's good too, not easily mad at student nurses, but she is not good in teaching. she told me earlier "bukan saya taknak ajar, tapi nanti lambat". huhu.
fine. aku cakap la balik "takpa, saya tengok dan belajar, mana tahu kot-kot nanti saya kerja kat sini, saya dah tahu dah nak buat apa sikit-sikit". haha.
the thing is, dont give up. lawan je balik that kind of staff nurse punya attitude. and lawan them nicely la. whatever it is, maybe she was right, kita akan melambatkan kerja dia je nanti. so, when you are a student nurse, you have to be patient with the staff nurses..

today, this staff nurse ntah ke mana menghilang sepanjang hari. (mentang-mentang aku dah pandai buat sikit, dia assumed aku dah pandai semua) she just appeared few moments kejap-kejap je, then hilang balik, MO came, asking me about the patient, i just answered randomly. huhu. well, he asking me about the urine la, blood glucose la, i answered what i've done to patient je la. otherwise, i dont know. and thankfully i follow ward round today (eventhough i miss the skin traction procedure), so i got a few information regarding of the patient and the next plans, so today when the family members came, i able to answered when they asking me. they asking me about patient condition, what's the next plans, i randomly answered. huhu.
and today, i feels so much like a staff nurse!!
everything i've done by myself without any supervise by the incharged staff nurse. tapi, ada la staff nurse yang incharge patient lain tolong supervised kan.... gila kalau aku buat sensorang..
except just, i dont do the writing reports la. that one is cannot yet.. 4th year nanti, module management then only i can writes the nursing report.

wow, now i feels like i want to working here after this!
and their MOs are also friendly too.