Wednesday, March 31, 2010

sedih dan kesal..

hari selasa tu cuma dengar cerita dari kakak-kakak senior tu,
dan sekarang tengah sedih ni.. nyesal tertengok video tu tadi..
petang tadi nak tido petang pon tak dapat sebab terbayang-bayang..
masa mandi pon teringat lagi..
dan sekarang air mata ini pula asik nak berlinangan je..
sebab asik terbayang-bayang tragedi buruk itu..

semoga Allah merahmati seluruh keluarganya..
semoga Allah kuatkan semangat isteri mangsa dan lindungi anak-anaknya..
semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat keatas rohnya...
Amin..

http://www.hmetro.com.my/myMetro/articles/Dirempuhketikaisiminyak/Article/index_html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOyRqF2nL3s

kita akan sedar betapa kita sayang sangat seseorang itu bila kita sudah kehilangannya.
atau bila kita fikir, kita mungkin akan kehilangannya ,
mungkin dalam sekelip mata atau dalam sesaat,
dia akan pergi meninggalkan kita tanpa meninggalkan kata-kata terakhir darinya,
bila aku baca dan lihat berita itu, aku rasa sedih yang teramat.
walaupun kita perlu redha dengan pemergian seseorang yang kita sayang tu,
tapi aku tetap tak boleh nak maafkan orang yang mlanggar mangsa tersebut,
kerana kecuaian dia, mabuk ketika memandu,
dia melanggar seseorang didepan mata isteri dan anak tersayang,
seseorang yang merupakan suami pada seseorang,
ayah pada seseorang,
anak pada seseorang,
saudara pada seseorang,
atau kawan rapat pada seseorang,
yang hilang dalam sekelip mata.
meninggalkan mereka yang tersayang dan yang menyayanginya,
meninggalkan isteri dan anak-anak,
yang masih amat memerlukannya.

ya Allah, jaganlah mereka-mereka yang aku sayang pergi dengan cara mengejut seperti itu.
kalaulah ada diantara mereka-mereka yang aku sayang akan ditakdirkan pergi dengan cara mengejut, meninggalkan aku tanpa sebarang kata terakhir, tanpa sebarang petanda, tanpa memberi aku masa untuk aku memohon ampun darinya, mengatakan aku amat sayangkan dia, untuk menenangkan dia, dan untuk aku menjaga dia buat kali terkahir,
aku lebih rela pergi dulu.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

silly me had a crushed over a boy

just now i went opened up facebook a friend of mine just looking for pictures.
then i went through tagged pictures and i saw a name that i remembered.
a name that i think i might know him at my past.
then i opened up his facebook page.
God, he is an adult guy now.

when i was 17, i was admiring this one guy, from boys school.
yea, i know, i was schooled at girls school of smk puteri titiwangsa for 5 years, so when that time if i saw a cute guy passed over me, i was easily melt and i was like 'Oh, i think im in love at first sight'..only on that time je la. now no more... i hope so. xD

he was 15 years old that time. i guess, on that age 17 of me i was the silliest dumbest girl in the high school doing stupid and crazy things and as i remembered,that time i had crushed on this a young cute looking boy, 3 years younger than me.

i liked him because he had this big curly hair, and he was definitely the cutest God's creature i ever seen. but today, i looked at his facebook page (he didn't set his page as private), so i went through some of his pictures, he's definitely no more the cutest God's creature anymore, but the handsomest God's creature. too bad, im too older for him. i guess he's 18 years old now, and me 22 years old of kakak tua tak sedar diri.

he looks very different. he's got some beard, and too bad he's smoking because i saw one picture that he held a kotak rokok. i hate smokers. i hope my future husband is not a smoker. i dont want him die earlier than me, enough of me to take care of patients, i hope my husband will look after me when im getting older or about to die. and i want to go first before my husband. i dont want to crying and grieving for my husband just because he's diagnosed with lung cancer. whatever it is only God knows.

back to the story, this little guy that i had crushed on, he never knew that i was admired him. until now, he never and will never know that i had crushed over him, i guess until forever. i dont think if he's still remember me, and i dont add him at fb because i dont think he will remember me.. perhaps im still shy..
yea.. when i was 17, even if i'd done so much crazy things and i was the craziest and happiest go lucky girl at school, i admit, i was the very shy girl. still now, currently, i am still the shy girl, the shy shy cat girl.. ;P

so, if i admiring someone, if i having a crush on someone, i like to run away. i prefer to stay away. because i am shy.. . xD

this boy,
good luck to him in everythings he do.
may him looks good forever.
may Allah bless him.
because he's made my day, today.
because he made me thought about how wonderful my previous teenage life was.
he made me think that i was a normal teenage girl in my past time.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

unimportant tonight

close the door,
.
.
.
.
.
swith off the light,
.
.
.
.
.
give me my favorite pillow, so i can scream out loud under it,
.
.
.
.
.
give me my 'bestfriend', so i can talk with,
.
.
.
.
.
because tonight i want to cry,
.
.
.
.
.
to cry so much much much more,
.
.
.
.
.
and nothing can stop me.
.
.
.
.
.
dont wake me up,
.
.
.
.
.
and i hope i will never wake up for tomorrow,
.
.
.
.
.
or maybe forever,
.
.
.
.
.
good night.


Friday, March 26, 2010

aku suka dan aku tak suka. part 2

haa..
sebelum ni aku tulis pasal apa aku suka dan aku tak suka kat previous entry.
ni link yang sebelum ni.



http://wanieamylee.blogspot.com/2009/10/aku-suka-aku-tak-suka-aku-punya-suka-ar.html

soooo...

ni nak sambung lagi ... aku punya suka ar nak tulis apa aku suka. ni blog aku.

i write silly thing because i am silly.
i do stupid thing because i am stupid.
if u think u clever, smart and intelligence enough, get lost from here.
this entry is ony for those stupid-idiot-ugly-looser like me.

AKU SUKA..

1. PAKAI STOKING BILA TIDUR MALAM

dulu masa bila ntah, tak ingat la, aku tengok cita hantu melayu ni. ada satu spesis hantu ni dia suka gigit ibu jari kaki anak dara. hisap darah. ntah pape. nak tiru mat saleh cite drakula or vampire. tapi hisap darah kat ibu jari kaki.. bengong..bile tengok cita tu, aku terbayang-bayang jugak. takot la jugak. bila tidur malam, kalau aku terbangun tengah malam buta, aku tengok selimut aku dah terselak dan menyelakkan ibu jari kakiku. pastu aku mula risau dan tak boleh tidur balik. aku pikir, kot-kot lah ada pontianak gigit jari kaki aku ke masa aku tidur tu.. aku tak takot hantu sebenarnya... tapi aku ni mungkin ada anxiety disorder or delusion og persecutory kot. aku ni paranoid kot...
=(

so, lately aku suka la pakai stoking. lagipun kaki aku cepat sejuk.. selesa bila pakai stokin tu. rasa selamat sikit...rasa selesa..


2. KOREK TELINGA

sem lepas mse posting E&T, Mr. J ada cakap, jangan korek telinga pakai cotton bud. kalau nak bersihkan telinga just cuci dengan air je. then, lapkan dengan tisu. then, biarkan nanti tahi telinga tu keluar sendiri. dia nasihatkan patient jangan korek telinga dengan cotton bud sebab cotton bud tu akan tolak ear wax tu lagi kedalam. nanti boleh dapat impacted ear wax.
huhu.. tapi aku suka.. sebab rasa best.. haha. tapi aku tak la tolak cotton bud tu dalam telinga... aku cuma rolling cotton bud tu kat sipi-sipi dalam telinga je.. tiap-tiap hari aku buat lepas mandi.. harap-harap la telinga aku ok..
=(


3. SET ALARM

ni hobi aku yang boleh dikategorikan yang baik la. boleh jadi contoh. skarang ni aku suka pasang alarm waktu pagi 6 alarm. macam-macam jenis bunyi. bunyi lagu, bunyi hon siren, bunyi haiwan, ntah pape lagi.. aku rasa housemate aku pon boleh dengar bunyi alarm tu...

skang ni aku praktik tidur petang pasang alarm. sebab ada satu hari tu (sebenarnya banyak kali jugak), aku tidur petang 3 jam. gila lama. memang aku kerugian masa betul. skang cuba letak alarm waktu petang supaya tidur petang tak terlalu lama... huhu..

yang bestnya, aku ni bila dah bangun alarm yang pertama, aku akan bukak mata, pastu pejam kejap. alarm kedua, bukak mata, duduk atas katil, pastu pejam mata.. alarm ketiga, bukak mata, bangun, menguak, pastu pergi mandi..
so, yang lagi tiga alarm tu untuk spare. kot-kot la ada waktu kalau aku tak sedar bunyi alarm pertama or kedua or ketiga tu ke..
huhu. best.best. aku suka tabiat baru ni.


4. MAKAN PEDAS + MINUM NESCAFE

yess, aku dah tak makan ikan keli dah skrang ni. aku skang suka makan ayam sambal. memang gila banyak makan sambal. pstu aku minum nescafe lepas makan nasi dengan lauk sambal ayam tu. hari ni, ong tun ping sorang kawan baik aku ni, dia nak tiru aku minum nescafe. dia pergi bli nescafe tin yang perisa 'original' tu. aku pon macam biasa ar makan nasi lauk sambal dengan minum nescafe yang beli kat kafe a&e tu. tapi nescafe tu tak kuat macam yang jenis tin.

kesian ong.. dia muntah-muntah lepas tu.. brapa kali dia masuk toilet sebab muntah.. dia curi maxolon kat wad tapi masih muntah jugak. dia cakap dia tak rasa sakit perut. tapi muntah sebab minum nescafe lepas makan nasi tu... sian dia.. aku rasa bersalah dowh. huhu.. =(



AKU TAK SUKA...


1. ADIK OR COUSIN AKU COUPLE

setakat ni dua-dua single kot. (hopefully). huhu. sorry weh, aku cuma takot rasa sunyi. rasa macam ada sesuatu yang ambil diorang ni dalam hidup aku. aku kalau nak kuar lepak ke, kalau tak dengan sepupu aku suryza, mesti ngan adik aku. kalau tak dengan mak aku la.
jarang la aku keluar lepak dengan member or dengan kawan. walaupon kawan aku perempuan. even kawan-kawan sekola aku semua dah masuk u, dah bz, dah lama tak jumpa. aku fikir, kalau la sepupu aku dah ada orang, ntah dengan sapa lagi boleh aku lepak keluar gi shopping ke, gi tengok wayang, gi makan, gi men bowling.. huwaa.. tapi suatu hari nanti dia mesti akan jumpa orang jugak.. semakin hari semakin meningkat dewasa. bukan macam dulu zaman remaja boleh la.
=(

adik aku azmi, dulu dia couple, dia kalau balik dari terengganu asik kuar ngan awek dia je. azam plak suka gi men bola kat padang or pegi tuisyen. mama dengan ayah keja. sian aku duduk sorang-sorang kat umah makan nugget sambil tengok astro..
ada la sekali skala, aku dengan adik-adik aku gi klcc nak gi bli tiket wayang. pastu aku blanja diorang makan kfc. huhu. best.
dulu-dulu, aku dengan family termasuk mama dengan ayah aku sume suka tengok wayang malam-malam. dulu kitorang suka pegi men bowling, men squasy, adik-adik aku pernah ikut ayah men golf dengan dia, aku men squasy dengan ayah aku, best gila. men bowling ngn mak aku, memng terer btol dia men bowling. tapi skng, ayah dengan mama dah mula bz kot.. dah jarang dapat bersama macam tu.. =(


ok, aku dah merepek.
mengantuk ar.
nak gi tido.
nak set alarm.
besok nak pegi book fair kat pwtc.

today:
hari ni aku pegi daycare hemato nak mintak apointment next week, dia suro aku pergi lab homeostasis kat tingkat 2. orng lab tu suro aku buat blood test tu next mentrual period bulan 5 nanti sebab minggu depan diorang bz ngn audit. bengong. bodoh gila. jahat! menyusahkan!
geramnya!!!! penatnya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aku taknak buat blood test bodoh tu lagi! aku nak default follow up bodoh tu!! argh geram!!


astaghfirullahalazim..
...

ya Allah tenangkan hati ku...

..

huhu..
good night..

(T.T)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

kawan -kawan batch kesayangan ku.

gembiranya bila fikir dah 3 tahun aku kawan dengan budak kelas aku.
dan hampir nak masuk tahun final bulan 7 nanti.
cepat betul masa belalu..
aku nak cerita pasal kawan-kawan aku,
aku mulakan dengan ex-housemates aku.
oya, syaf, dan zety..
oya..
huhu.kadang-kadang aku jeles betul dengan oya,
dia tu faymes betul orangnya.
sema junior kenal dengan dia.
kalau jalan dengan dia, semua nak 'hi'.
HI kak Oya!
hi oya!
adoiai.. takde orang nak hai kat aku jugak ke...
oya..
atau dikenali norzuraini kamal..
president of nursing students association.
fuh. besar gile pangkat die.
dan sangat comitment dengan semua kerja yang dia buat..
siapa la aku disisinya..
huhu.
syaf. syafira syarif.
huhu. rajin la dia ni. bilik cantik.
dulu kat umah lama, bilik lawa.
duk kolej pon, bilik masih lawa!
jeles aku..huhu.
syaf ni gila rajin. rajin mengemas. dulu kat laman midah,
dia rajin betu menyapu.
rajin study.
rajin masak air pagi-pagi.
rajin pergi surau.
huwaa!! aku ni pemalas!
rasa hina betul diri ini kalo fikir kawan-kawan rajin..
untung betul bakal suami syaf nanti..
zety... zety atikah kamarulzaman.
pelembut orangnya.
tapi kadang-kadang bila marah, aku takot!
aku yang garang ni pon takot! haha.
zety ni cantik orangnya.
suka makeup.
cantik btol mata dia bile makeup..
aku pon suka makeup gak. hehe..
zety ni rajin jugak.
kalo dia baca nota, ribut taufan pon dia buat dek je.
aku dengar bunyi angin pon takleh tahan dowh.
wan. wan nadhirah wan hassan.
setakat ni aku rasa wan adalah kawan paling sejati aku.
semua adalah kawan sejati dan aku sayang.
tapi wan ni aku sayang lebih sikit.
aku dulu pernah gak gaduh dengan dia mase organize dinner nursing,
pastu kami bermaaf-maafan.
dia nangis.
aku pon ternangis.. sebab aku tengok dia ternangis.
pastu, memang kami rapat terus tak pernah gaduh.
aku rasa semua orang memang ngam kawan dengan dia.
wan benyak berkorban untuk aku.
dia jadi patient control untuk platelet function test yang aku buat.
dua kali dia jadi. dua kali dia kena cucuk.. cian dia....
wan jugak jadi peneman aku jogging kat tasik permaisuri.
banyak kali dah kitowang joging sesama..
walaupon aku dalam kelas duduk paling depan,
dia duduk paling belakang,
walaupon dia duduk blok C, aku duduk blok D,
walaupon kitorang tak pernah posting sekali tempat yang sama,
tapi dia la partner joging aku.
dia lah partner untuk booth hand washing modul komuniti nanti,
dia la partner aku cek darah.
terima kasih wan.. maaf banyak susah kan wan...
tuo dan iza..
tuo mamin dan norhaniza omar.
huhu..
aku jeles betu dengan dua orang kawan aku ni.
diorang ni memnag tak boleh dipisahkan.
memang dah dilahirkan untuk bersama sepajang hayat.
kadang-kadang aku fikir, kenapa la tuo tak bole jadi kawan rapat aku.
kalo tak mesti dia boleh buatkan aku sushi jugak.
hehe.
atau pun,
kenapa la iza tak boleh jadi kawan rapat aku..
kalau tak hari-hari dia masak nasi goreng untuk aku..
hehee..
diorang ni pandai masak..
aku kalau masak, untuk diri sendiri je la..
tak berani nak bagi orang makan..
tapi diorang ni, masak banyak-banyak.. sedap pulak tu.
untuk dikongsi bersama. jeles taw!! huhu.
untung bakal suami korang.
dapat isteri yang rajin memasak.
iza pon rajin mengemas. tiap-tiap minggu mop lantai umah dia tu.
berkilat. licin. boleh buat cermin lantai rumah laman midah dia tu.
hahaha..
aina, ej, zura, iffa..
noraina harun, norhaizan, noriffa, norhazura.
4 orang ni, duduk satu rumah kat laman midah,
dari tahun 1 sampai tahun 4. diorang memang taknak pindah kolej.
diorang ni memang manusia paling rajin study dalam dunia ni.
memang kalau sapa-sapa tengok diorang study,
boleh jadi gila.
aku ni pemalas.
bukak 1 muka surat pon dah tak larat.
diorang punya nota, buat sediri, mak aih, cantik plak tu.
berwarna-warni.
memang otak diorang penuh dengan ilmu
aku tabik betul dengan diorang ni.
semoga diorang ni graduate dengan cemerlang.
aina, memang paling rajin.
kalau nak nota yang bagus, pinjam la kat dia ni.
cantik. memang tak boring kalau baca.
dia punya assignment memang paling lengkap lah.
presentation pon lengkap lah.
iffa pulak, dia punya presentation memnag comel lah.
macam orang nya la,
ada gambar katun-katun..
hehe.
iffa ni sangat comitment dengan apa yang dia buat..
aku kagum dengan dia sebab dia tak mengeluh.
kenapa aku tak boleh jadi macam dia?
aku ni, sebenarnya tak berniat nak mengeluh.
aku tahu kalau mengeluh, kerja jadi tak ikhlas..
tapi dah tak sengaja. reflex. aku ni tuku refleksi. haha.
ej, kelakar orangnya.
kalau dalam kelas, dia memang paling banyak buat lawak.
kalo dia takda, boring kelas.
suka nyanyi.
suka amik gambar..
hehe..
aku pon suka amik gambar gak pe.. ;p
zura,
kadang kadang dia ni klaka gak.
kalo kitorang disuruh belakon,
dia mesti amik watak, jadi suami la. jadi abang. jadi ayah.
pastu lakonan dia memnag jadi!!
kelakar taw! sakit perut gelak bila dia berlakon jadi suami! xD
syikin.
suka melukis.
suka lukis anime jepun. suka cerita korea dan jepun.
suka tag aku kat note fb dia
tapi aku suka.
sebab aku rasa insaf, rasa gembira, rasa lega.
terima kasih kerana berkongsi.
syikin ni pandai orang nya.
tanya la apa-apa soalan,
kalau dia tak dapat jawab, nanti dia akan find out pastu bagitahu walaupon lambat.
dan jawapan dia memuaskan hati..
syikin ni sebenarnya cute.
macam budak kecik. tp dia kurus memang macam budak kecik.
hehe
syida.
aduhai, dialah manusia yang paling lembut yang pernah aku jumpa.
dan seumur hidup aku kenal dia, aku tak pernah tengok dia marah.
kenapa la aku tak boleh jadi macam dia.
aku ni panas baran, kasar, sensitif, apa-apa je la.
tapi dia ni, cantik, lembut, suara lembut.
untung betul bakal mak mertua dia nanti.
dapat menantu macam ni.
ily.
dia ni kalau dalam wad, dalam klinik, memang rajin.
rajin mencari peluang untuk belajar.
rajin bertanya.
aku ni penakot.
takot nak tanya soalan.
dia rilek je tanya macam-macam kat doktor or prof.
rajin study jugak. rajin buat note. rajin baca note.
ong tun ping, ling hui hui, hseih jia jun, tay shi chin.
paling kelakar adalah jun.
hari tu dia buat lawak kat ER,
asik gelak je kitorang, dah le posting tengah malam kol 3pagi lak tu.
jun paling soft. cakap pon soft je suara dia.
yang best nya, dia ni single la.
pelik orang paling cantik dan paling soft ni xda boifren.
maybe dia jual mahal kot.. hehehe..
ong pon kelakar jugak.
ehem, mentang-mentang la dia ada bf kat cni..
dia nampak bertambah happy go lucky..
dan kalau aku lepak dengan dia,
kitorang suka borak cakap pasal jerawat.
(bukan jururawat ye.. hehe..
jerawat. acne.
skin care. skin care product.
tu memang favorite topic kiotrang la.
hahaha.
hui hui, dia ketua kelas kitorang.
dan dia orang yang paling tinggi skali dalam kelas.
dan dia single jugak..
sapa nak jadi bf dia mesti lagi tinggi la dari dia jawabnye.. hehe.
di antara 4 orang chinese ni, hui hui yang aku pernah nampak dia menangis. mse minggu SPKG tu. mse friends foerever tu, idong dia merah. nampak la dia kesat air mata..
touching aku tengak dia time tu..
aku takleh ar tengok orang nangis. aku pon ternangis tengok diorang nangis..
dia ni walaupon ganas orang nya, tapi hati dia lembut.
mcm cita adnan sempit cakap,
"walaupon luaran ni kasar,
tapi dalam hati ni ada taman'
hahahaha!
aku tak tahan geak tengok cite tu!! xD
tay,
aku bakal pergi UK dengan dia.
2 bulan la kitorang akan berkepit je memanjang.
since kitorng di partner untuk gi UK nanti,
kitorang banyk gak lepak sama.
cakap pasal money currency rate la,
ckp pasal apa nak prepare,
cakap pasal mental health module,
banyak benda kitorang borak untuk cakap pasal UK tu.
tay ni paling comel orang nya.
(tak sampai hati nak cakap paling rendah..huhu..)
kelakar kadang-kadang tu,
lagi-lagi bila suara cute dia tu berkumandang.
memang cute habis dan nyaring! hahaha.
mereka ini adalah orang-orang yang aku sayang.
semoga kami semua lulus graduate dengan cemerlang.
semoga kami jadi nurse yang cemerang.
aku jealous dengan meraka ini.
hebat,cantik.. bijak pulak tu..
ada diantara personaliti mereka yang aku cuba jadikan contoh dan idola.
tapi aku tak boleh juga nak buang sifat yang tak nak berapa baik ni.
manusia tak sempurna. aku tak sempurna.
terima kasih sahabat ku semua.
korang banyak buat aku untuk belajar untuk jadi diri aku.
"without my friends, i would never be the way i am.."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

reflecting myself

it doesn't matter if people dont recognize your ideas and contributions,
the most important thing was your ideas are being applied and usable,
then only you can see result either it was a succesful or a failure.
and it doesnt matter if the things you did are becoming a successful/failure,
the most crucial thing was, you did it.
you did try out.
try your best.
and give all out.

i did something.
i contributing.
people will definetely judge over me for the things I did,
so what, i dont care.
it doesn't matter either if it was a bad judgement or a good one,
to me, i dont hell care about it.
i dont care.
people are still recognizing me.
recognizing the bad and the good of me.
if it was the bad one,
poeple are silently talked behind my back -i called them as my enemies.
poeple confronted me and corrected me - i called them as a good friend.
maybe someday, someone will take my ideas and do their best for the next time,
so what,
we are the people whose trying so hard to change the world.
rather than sitting and watching and criticizing people,
they are nothing.
they are much more that useless.
;)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oncology - Ca. Breast

Doctor,
You earned the degree
You’re a doctor now
To do no harm
is your vow
But when the nurses call
In the middle of the night
It can drive you crazy
And make your nerves tight
The family's on the phone
Telling you what to do
The patient wants more drugs
You want to come unglued.


Nurse,
A Nurse does so many things
You're helpful as can be.
You have so many things to do
And you do them happily.
Sometimes things don't go right
It's hard to crack a smile
Still you have to be polite
And go that extra mile.


Patient,
When something is wrong
But what you’re not sure
You go to the doctor
To find a cure
He pokes and prods
And runs some tests
Then you get the bill
Oh surely he jests



Today 8th March 2010,
My first day at Oncology Day Care,
I learnt something new,
I seeing patient being diagnosed with breast cancer,
I looked deeply into her eyes,
Wondering what has been she suffering with,
Has she made herself live with fear in her heart?
Has she able to tolerate with every ache and pain?

She was diagnosed with breast cancer with metastasis to lungs and bones.
And now she is 40 years old Malay woman, and very thin.
After seeing her being seeing by the doctor,
we had some discussion,
discuss about the drugs and side effects and other things.
Doctor said ' that patient, she won’t make it'.
I don’t know if she means of anything,
but what i surely know was,
she has been a doctor for a quite some time,
and absolutely she knows what she was saying.

I know, the end of life is not a pretty sight,
but if I have to die, I want to die in peace and love.
I often wonder will I be one of the lucky ones?
I am the lucky one.
To be given a wonderful life,
and if possible to ended it peacefully.
To be given a chance to appreciate things,
and to pray to God thankfully.
to thanks to everyone I know in this earth,
to tell them how much I love them so badly.

I know, all the things in my life I have taken for granted.
Sometimes I was too selfish,
just thinking about myself and easily forget others.
Seeing patient struggling with their life make me realize,
That life is so short than I can imagine,
That one day, I want to watch my kids grow,
walk in the rain, play in the sun.
I know we all must go sometime,
But I'll keep praying,
I want to have a longer life to live,
To live life to its fullest.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

thinking about the future again..

sayangkan...
UKM produce nurses,
tapi taknak ambil mereka bekerja dengan hospitalnya sendiri..
why? because they have degree.
whose to blame?
NC?
TNC?
Pengarah Hospital?
Pengurus Jururawat?
Head of Department of Nursing?
Staff Nurses?
the lecturers?
the students?
why PPUKm doesn't want to employ ukm nurses?
just because they dont want to pay u41?
no.
actually it has many reasons why they dont want to employ ukm nurses.
because they dont have enough budget to pay?
because most of their matrons and sisters doesnt have degree?
because the head of department of nursing (education site)
already received the phD but the head of department of nursing (clinical site)
still being called 'Puan' because she doesn't even has degree?
or master?
or phD?
or i dont know.
or whatever.

WHATEVER.

because whatever it is,
i'm still going to work with the KKM
because i'm being sponsored by jpa scolarship.

but still,

i very dont like (very hate) PPUKM,
and anyone whoever should be blamed for that.


anyway,
i heard that, some of ppukm nurses
whose already have their degree, quit from ppukm,
and working with KKM at somewhere.
meanwhile,
i also heard that some of ppukm nurses,
are going to continue in degree.

one day, in the future,
there are no more sijil or diploma nurses,

then padan muka ppukm.
nobody's working there one day.
;(

Friday, March 5, 2010

plan: to repeat the PFT

yesterday, my cousin suddenly asking me this question "wani hemophilia tu penyakit apa?".
man.. please dont remind me with those any related to hemo-disease-kind-of-thing..
why on earth you have to asked me that?
oh yea, because im the one best cousin who study in medical field so he thinks he better ask me.
then as usual i gave him all the information and definition about it. i asked him why hell are you asking? v
he told me that one of his friend got that illness.
so what. cant him just googling and find out by himself.
why me? why asking me..
huhu.

seriously i couldn't stop thingking if like he's trying to give me the signal or something.
like he knows that i'm being hunted with those hemo-illness-kind of thing.

last week, i met dr nabila the one who incharge me.
after 4 hours and half waited for my apointment at medical 2 clinic,
(waited since 1.45pm until 6pm),
then she told me that i have to repeat my platelet function test(PFT),
DURING MY FIRST FOURTH DAY OF MENSTRUAL PERIOD.
useless.
the one PFT that i'd done was useless.
she even didnt know that PFT should have done during menstrual
until she found out it from the result that said i need to repeat during menstrual.
go to hell..
T.T

and now i have to beg someone to be the 'control' once again.
and i have to ask someone to fasting during that day..
and i have to beg someone to take time leave during posting period,
to take some of her precious blood for the test.
and together with my bloody blood to get the correct bloody blood result.
T.T

dr nabila said that the result of the one PFT that i'd done was within normal range
but nearly to abnormal. so she was been suggested by someone to repeat it again.
so i cant blame her too.

i did told her that if it possible that if i discontinue this investigation,
but since my bleeding nose that recently occured to me the days before,
so she suggested me to still go on with the test.
i did told her that it wasnt bad enough.
but she said let see how the result will be from the test,
if it is still within normal, then i can stop.

she gave me the next appointment around 23- 26 march at daycare hemato.
it ill be during my oncology posting.
(T.T).

i'm spoiled.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Journal of ER - an assignment to do

we have to write down the journal and to submit to Pn. Waheeda for ER posting.
I didnt write down what are the procedures that I had done for that 5 days, so this is the "last-minutes-assignement-to-finish" that I only able to do. so I was randomly wrote anything I like.
tapi sayang if i just buang the soft copy of this journal so i put in here because one day I can read it again and again and again...

_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

For the whole posting at critical area (ICU, CCU, Burn Unit and ED),
I think the most challenges area was the ICU and ED.
ED or Emergency Department especially resuscitation and emergency room was the best place for students to gain much knowledge.
Eventhough I was only been posted there for only about 5 days,
I gain so much knowledge and information on how to working on that kind of place.
Before this if I only able to see how people works in the ER in TV series, and how much I really wanted to be like one of them, and posting at ER was really made my dreams comes true.

During first day of posting, KJ orientated us to the clinical area.
I really likes the ED KJ because at first day, I saw her doing staff nurse job likes taking blood, inserting branulla, take blood pressure, and I really kind of like the way she being friendly with the staff and students.
She really made my day on that first day.
For the whole posting, I able to do many procedures eventhough some of the procedures like ECG reading I had done it before during 2nd year, but I never regret because I was not only done the ECG reading but me and my friends able to learn how to interpret the ECG results and there was a lucky day that the doctor explained about the ECG to us.

I also did get opportunity to assisted doctors inserting long line for CVP and taking blood C&S. This one Dr, (I don’t want to tell his name), he gave me this free lecture about ECG and there was a day he babbling about why the SPO2 probe is not being checked by nurses because there was a time, the SPO2 of patient was 94%, and he try on himself and the SPO2 still 94%, than he called me why I didn’t check for the probe, he babbling to me that this should be the nurses’ job. He asked me to change to other probe and asked me to try it on my finger, but then the SPO2 of mine was 100%.

I called my friend to try it too, and hers was also 100%. Then I put back the probe to patient’s finger, and the reading was 100%. Then I called that doctor, I said there’s nothing wrong with the probe, he himself didn’t put it correctly. Then he just kept silence. Maybe he knows he was wrong. But then we become friendly again after I helped by assisted him to take the blood C&S and he signed my cross book.

At ER I also able to help out during resuscitated the patient. There was one night, around 4am during my night shift on Friday, one patient came into resuscitation, I was excitedly attended to the patient, put on the ECG probe, put on the BP cuff, give oxygen by nasal prong, and other things, then this one doctor said loudly, “ok everyone, put the mask on, put the glove on, put the gaun on, before you touch the patient”.

Then I stepped back and asked myself what’s wrong? I heard one of the doctor said this patient is IVDU (drugs user), came with labored breathing and severe cough with fresh blood, doctor asked him, “encik ada pnyakit apa-apa? Hepatits B? HIV?”. The patient said, he has no HIV, but do has Hepatits B and TB (Tuberculosis) and that’s why he came with severe cough with fresh blood and he looks very thin.

I looked at myself, thank God I was wearing the mask, but I didn’t wear gaun and glove, so I was immediately went to hand washing and washed my hand vigorously aseptic techniqually. Then there was one nurse also did the same thing too and told me “alamak, dia ada TB la pula”. Poor student nurse (me) and the staff nurse because we didn’t know but luckily there nothing’s bad happen like needle prick injury or else. After that tragedy, I keeps remind myself, I have to always wash my hand and put the glove on when new patient comes in and every before and after touch the patient, and the mask is always must to wear.

There was a day; one of the doctors asked me, “can you take the ABG?” I looked at the patient, she doesn’t have any art-line, I told the doctor, I only can take ABG by art-line. Then he told me, “you are a degree student aren’t you, so you should be able to take ABG at the artery. Prepare everything, and I’ll show you how to take the ABG”. So, I prepare all the things needed to take ABG: 1cc syringe, heparinol, blue needle, gauze, cotton, etc.etc, but then, doctor said, never mind, no need to take his ABG, his condition looks stable, and he babbling about this patient and that patient, and I just listen and keep being a good listener as always.

I also did get the opportunity of inserting the branulla, eventhough I failed on the first attempted inserting branulla on patient, and I was so frustrated because I failed and I was so regretfully on myself because I did hurt the patient. However, it’s ok; I have a year and half to practice perfectly before being a qualified staff nurse.

On the night shift, I also get the opportunity to prepare and give nebulizer to asthma patients and prepared and administered IV hydrocort to patient. There was a free time, me and my friend took blood on each other and sent to the lab for investigation. Actually, we were practicing on how to take blood from the vein, and how to fill the form and send to the lab, and how to trace the result. So we were successfully did it. I checked for my PT/APTT while my friend checked for serum cholesterol level.

So many things I did until I can’t remember what things that I’d done during ER posting and I don’t know how to write it down here. But what can I say, I learnt so many things. The KJ, staff nurses, specialist, MOs, MAs are so willing to teach us. What can I say, to me 5 days at ER was not enough. I want more. I want to learn a lot more about being an emergency nurse.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

emergency department

during first day at ER, the KJ orientated us to the whole emergency department, she explained about the triages: primary, secondary, resus, ER, red zone, green zone, red boz, and many more.
for the whole of my entire life being a nursing student, this is the first time I feels glad that the KJ orientated to us. she was completely explaining the whole system.

before this I was telling myself that I never wanted to be the KJ or matron or whatsoever because I see most of them, they are managing the ward, the staff nurses and the rosters for nurses' shift, and dont have much time to spent with the patient and give nursing care.

what I see, the matron will come to the ward,ICU, and do the spot check like and babling about things like:
- "kenapa tak tulis PCDS(jagarawatan pesakit)?"
- "kenapa tak label all the tubings?"
- "ni kenapa sharp bin takda label tarikh ni?"
- and many more.

I dont know how actually the matron and KJ' jobscop, but most of them, they're like things to 'mengarah' people (staff nurses and nursing students) about things like i guess it is not related to nursing care. however, they are still important, without them, the nurses - buat lerja sambil lewa.
mybe I'm wrong. but I found out KJ and Matron's jobscop if very BORING.

so, let me be the staff nurse for all of my entire life,
or at least I can be the nurse specialist, yet i still can further study to master and phD,
and still I can give all those nursing care.
If i can be the KJ or Matron, I dont want to care about the staff nurses or the management, but I want to give care to the PATIENT. only the patient. huhu..

so, this ED's KJ, she's inspiring me a lot because I saw her doing staff nurse's job like taking blood, insert branula, taking vital signs, she looks more like the STAFF nurse compared to herself of being KJ.

now i feel like I want to be like her. hehe..
i like workings here.

all the staff including their specialists are willing to teach us. except few of staff nurses that kind of bodoh sombong tu, sorry la. -they are lousy.

today was my 3rd day am shift, tomorrow and the next will be on night shift.
i learnt quite a lot.
even like, when the MO wanted to do any procedure, they called us to assisst them.
today me and my friend (we're at resus) got the chances, assisted MO insert long line for cvp, to see how they intubate the patient. i got the chanced of inserting CBD, and many more.

sampai tak sempat nak lunch... kelaparan.. (T.T)

okey, tomorrow and next will be my night shift at ER. ntah macam nama la kerja malam ni.....
hopefully i can learn a lot more.

:)