Wednesday, December 29, 2010

life wasted

since yesterday until today i wasn't feel so good at all, most of the time i feel tired and weak. i didn't focused in the class, didn't ate that much, just porridge, bread and bought nasi goreng ayam but still cant finish them. but until up to this moment, i decided to choose the right side. what ever it is, its not like im going to die tomorrow or soon, so why do i want it to affect my quality of life and ruins every good moment i have still? this is my life, my body, my friends, my family, my last semester and why do i want it to ruins everything?
so what if my exam result wasn't good enough? so what if i was told about that bad result? its not that I can change the fact of it except God can only do that.

i feel afraid. i have friends. and they are madly intelligent than me. iknow they will have a bright future but me, i still don't know. with this thing, i don't think so i can go far like them. you see, I'm not yet diagnosed but now see how bad its affect me?
they talk about future, about where to go to work, when they'll get married and everything, but me, i don't know if i can going through my life with it. i don't want to think about it. i don't want to think about the future. i don't even want to think about my exam results.

apart of me said i should not let it affect my life and enjoy every moment but half of me said i don't have a bright future. when I'm with my friends and family, i feel positive, i gain energy, i forgot about it, but when I'm alone, i just cant stop this falling tears and ended up with puffiness in the morning. what makes me strong is when I'm not alone. that's it. that's what i think. but the problem is, i just like to be alone since forever. i just don't know how to relates with others. that's my weakness even though i know at this moment i need people around me so I'll be strong.
im so arrogant and ego to think that I'll be better and be strong when I'm alone, but the fact is i need them.

it was just not enough to talk to the God. i need more than that.

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